Nemurenai

Binge drinking; I take all in really fast, because next week I'm getting ready to puke it all out, and get the slime all over my nice shiny nostalgia.

Obsession; the monster purrs quietly and she smiles, and next week I'll try to slay it, but most likely it wouldn't work because the monster... is me.

Addiction; it's starting to eat up my brain cells; my sanity must've tasted good because it's just about gone. I'll try to get some more next week.

Infatuation; I'm inhaling this strange drug... I'm not sure what it's called, but it's something where you always love, love, love...

Love; .... and you're always DREAMING and THINKING until you get SICK

Hahahahahaha.

I love laughing. Just the sound of it is uplifting. You know you can find true happiness when you laugh.

Haha this is so not true. Oh well. Maybe it is.

You Are Engaged

You feel completely absorbed and intrigued right now. You're cheerfully busy. You're alert and completely involved with everything you do. You don't walk through life half-asleep. If you're interested and engrossed, then you feel incredibly happy. You are constantly curious and never bored. There's too much to be fascinated with!

So I went to Borders today. Got the new issue of Gothic Beauty. And a new plain notebook to start my BOS. I already printed out the Wiccan Rede and the Song of the Goddess to put in there. It's pretty pimpin'.

And then I finally got a deck of Tarot cards! It's the Llewellyn deck, very pretty. The box was about $25, and came with a book that explains the cards, and a nice, gold drawstring pouch to put the cards in. It's awesome. :D

I shall re-organize my workspace...

2 more weeks till I leave for Europe!

It seems like emotions have a way of tangling themselves into our thoughts and suffocating us. I hate the way empathy forces itself into my heart and waits for me to vomit. I call it a sickness- this thing called love.

Your Gift is Imagination

You are constantly dreaming. You are always thinking about what could be. You love to express yourself in many ways. You have a way with words and tell vivid stories. You love to be amused. You are good entertaining yourself, and other people find you hilarious. You're the type of person who finds staying happy easy. There's always fun to be had!

What's Your Gift?

-Stop Breathing-

You're SUFFOCATING me
Will you stop breathing?

I'm choking on your
lies
and the sick scent of
your words

Oh God, your breath
is SUFFOCATING ME

Will you stop breathing?

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

------------------------------------

Blah. Three more hours of school left.

The ability
to corrupt
and contaminate
-FILTH-

I saw it first
when the bloodstains
didn't come off
-DIRT-

---------------------

Blah I lost it.

I HATE PERIODS

Take from me, my helplessness
is at your advantage
I can't see you!
But you're watching me...

And my eyes hang from their sockets
no wonder I'm so blind
-I'm blind!- at
your advantage
I can't see you,
but you're watching me...

Behold me at my
weakness-
your advantage
I love the way you stole my sight so
I can't see you...

Why are you watching me?

Sundown.

I love the way the air smells when the sun is dying.

It seems to stink of death- oh how the day is dying!

And I love the way you never see the stars although it's nighttime.

Because the world is SO FUCKED UP
and covers EVERYTHING in BLACK
until it's SWALLOWED and DIGESTED

and it all comes out
one
big
lumpy
mess
of humanity

Oh, the hatred of it all, I have only to blame myself...

WILL YOU STOP BREATHING?!

Is it possible, plausible, believable

to feel nothing.

Nothing.

To be nothing.

Nothing.

Oh, I wish I could carve out my heart and my soul

Just for a day
and I wouldn't have to feel and react to anything
anyone
would say

I want to be an empty shell
just for once,
all black

all gone.

Finally, an emotionless hell.

---------------------------------------------

Find me an exit.

Unfinished:

An autumn sky, fresh with rain
Through its dark and dreary gray
A light will bloom, a bird will sing
Savoring what this season brings

I live through this crimson Fall
Walking through these trees- so tall!
I wander, wondering what's in store
For this Winter ever more.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seven years will never mend
this bad luck,
which will never end

I see a beginning, coming through
It must mean bad luck
for you.

I write for naught but the wind, and the air
I write for anything that's not there
My audience is empty
and bare

What do you all want from me?
Creativity?

Well, fuck, I'm all out.

She is gone...

I read too much fanfiction...



You big fat liar. Love isn't torture? Of course it is. When you see but never make contact, that is torture. When you speak but never reach out, that is torture. You see them with their happy lives, and what do you get?

When you have dreams but no reality, hope but no truth, you get torture.

WHAT ARE DREAMS FOR?

To make your life a nightmare, until you do everything to get away... yet it's impossible... because when you try, they stop you, and they lock you up, and you're stuck with these thoughts again...

... and again.... and again...

It's a tiring game and I'm sick of it.


WHAT IS LIFE FOR?

How do teenagers fall in love? What is love? How do you classify it? If you married someone, do you truly love them?



Ugh, I have this huge German project to do and it's due Friday and I haven't even started yet... I'm so lazy... I'm debating whether or not to go to this friend's birthday party, because I'm kind of pissed at her right now.



Bah.



Hm, I lack poetic ability right now... I need something to do, and I need to stop eating so much.



I was going to make this an intelligent entry, but I've got nothing.

You are Loyal, Humble and Tolerant

Loyalty: You value loyalty a fair amount. You're loyal to your friends... to a point. But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties. Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself. Honesty: You don't really value honesty. You do value getting your way, no matter what. And if a little lying is required to do that, no problem. A few white lies never hurt anyone (at least, that's what you tell yourself!) Generosity: You don't really value generosity. Your needs always come first, no matter what. And you'll possibly help someone else out... But only if it helps you in return. Humility: You value humility highly. You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are. And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better. You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low. Tolerance: You value tolerance highly. Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you... You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends. You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship... Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn. And a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is high. You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love. Having your own life is very important for you... Even more important than having a relationship.

I seek destruction in my dreams tonight,
my heart is burning for one more tear
It's aching for your luscious pain
Your neck exposed, a mind of fear

I seek the sins of lust tonight
my heart is longing for your screams
It's pounding against your dying breath
Fulfilling all my sickest dreams


~~~~

I don't know what else to put.

This is going to be a super long entry about my week in NC...

It was a pretty relaxing trip. I spent a lot of time downtown, which has all sorts of neat little shops I liked visiting. My favorites are Dancing Moon (a New Age bookstore), Screamies (an alternative clothing/second-hand store), and Green Eggs and Jam (music store).

My purchases of the week:

1. A dream dictionary from Dancing Moon
2. Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham, also from Dancing Moon
3. A Christian Death CD; Only Theatre of Pain from Green Eggs and Jam
4. A little Pentacle necklace charm from Dancing Moon
5. An anklet from some guy on the street who was making and selling them.

I spent a lot of time at the Appalachian State University library and their bookstore... they had some Batman comics with the Joker in them at the bookstore, so that kept me quite entertained...

I also got a haircut, it's a fairly fresh look, I might post pictures eventually.

During the week I went with my aunt to Hickory... she had this workshop in a church, and I was wandering around taking pictures.

Here is something that's kind of creepy.



It looks like it's just hanging there!

And then:



Some church school.

My confidence is running down
in rivers, and it's crying
Self- esteem counts for everything, apparently.

And now I'm broke
because I can't even sell myself
I don't have anything for anyone to buy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These ashes woke me up
and they seer at me, waiting
But I can smile back
and blow them away

That scarecrow can't scare me any more
And through the laughter,
all the HAHAHAHAS

I think I can go somewhere
and take my bones with me

That monster can't scare me anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have nothing else to write today... I tried writing a poem, but it didn't really work...

Your Greed Quotient: 36%

You're a little greedy, but generally you don't let your desire get the better of you. You know that good things will come to you - as long as you wait your turn!

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring

You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

Graze the flesh...


OMG I found the dancing alien from that one ad two years ago!!!!




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Constrained behind these lips,
I still smile
This scarecrow can't scare me no more